Baker's Dozen: Starting Over
Gobble, Gobble

Talk Like Sex

I'm going to keep it real: I don't understand women.
And on the flip side: Most women don't understand men.

I thought I figured them out a long time ago, but in reality, I'm still trying to learn what makes women tick both inside and outside of the bedroom. Reading tips in Essence magazine on women and relationships doesn't help much -- the magazine has lost its edge.

But out in the blogshere, two bloggers have taken the time to offer sexual tips in the bedroom for men and women.

Blog vixen Nikki (from indigo trails of my thoughts) has posted a sure-fire list to help men take care of business in the bedroom. Her post, "What A Girl Wants Sexually" is a nice crib sheet for men to help them with their sex game. Here are some of her pointers:

01. I Like to have your dick sucked at spontaneous moments. I shouldn't feel bad or awkward for pulling out your penis at unspecified times, like right before you gets out of your car to come into the house; or when we're in a restaurant and have just placed our order for drinks, or while watching a movie in a theater.

Sucking dick in a movie theater? In a restaurant before drinks and appetizers? Goddamn, girl.

02. Know how to eat pussy. If a brotha gotta pull out some skin flicks to take notes, so be it. If you need me to write down in detail how I like it, I'll do it. Either way, it's up to you to take the initiative and make sure you're not just rolling your tongue around with no clue as to what points you're supposed to hit. Knowing how to eat pussy also means you don't mind the way a pussy smells and tastes. No, it doesn't smell like roses, but it doesn't smell like rank tuna, either. It smells like sex, and if you don't mind the smell of it on your dick, then you shouldn't mind the smell or taste of it on your mouth, either.

I can remember a time when eating pussy was not the coolest thing you can do as a man. Nowadays, brothers are stepping their game up and heading downtown on a regular basis, if you know what I mean? But on the real, brothers, your tongue game has got to be tight. Practice makes perfect.

05. Be good with your hands. There is a fine line between being passionate and being painful. Find that line and don't cross it. Also, I like gentle hands, but not all of the time. A smack on the ass can add sensuality to intimacy. You have my permission to grab my ass as much as you want, just as long as you don't gauge out skin. Find my sensitive spots and make sure your hands know how to stroke each one properly.


06. Keep the scrotum clean. I don't mean scrubbing the thing down with a brillo pad, nor do I mean keeping it powdered like it's a baby's ass. I mean making sure it's not so rank it singes my nose hairs when I go down to visit. If you've just finished doing something that required you to sweat, take a shower and make sure you hit under the scrotum with the washcloth. It seems like there are a lot of brothas out there who don't realize just how much stank can accumulate just in the crevice between the scrotum and his legs. This is more for your benefit than mine. If you're stinking down there, I'm not sucking your dick, period.

Some of you ladies out there need to clip your hairs, too. Maintain and trim that shit. LOL! But I feel her. Brothers, personal hygiene is a must.

08. Know how to use your instruments. I've had them in all shapes and sizes and one thing I've learned is that a guy having a big dick doesn't guarantee my satisfaction. Don't go thinking just because I need two hands to wrap my hands around your dick means all you have to do is pump your hips back and forth. If you want a woman to cum during intercourse, know how to work your hips and know how to work your angles. It's like billiards. You know how you have to find the right angle and stroke in order to get the ball into the pocket? Same here; find the right angle and stroke to get a sista to orgasm.

Rack 'em up!

10. Bring a condom. Unless I'm married to you, I am not fucking you without it.

11. MAKE SURE I CUM, DAMNIT. 'Nuff said.

You can read the rest of her tips HERE. Educate yourself!

But ladies, you are not off the hook . . .

Some of y'all need to step your game up in the bedroom, as well. Some of y'all can't fuck your way out of a paper bag.

Well, blogger Mark Johnson (of No Jive) is going to help you out. He posted a list of the 17 mistakes women do in the bedroom. *Note: He didn't write this list, so don't send him any hate mail. And there are some nasty things (and questionable things) on this list that I don't support. But I'm going to highlight the ones that I think are on-point.

When stroking a guy's dick, don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a damn cow. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be awed, worshiped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.

When sucking a guy's dick, don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every possible angle.

Like billiards, right?

When he is done you should not kiss and cuddle [with him]. No matter what he says, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand, you should leave the premises without thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is done. Just get the fuck out.

Rude; but to the point.

Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying, "Are you going to come soon?" If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he's shagging you and takes more than ten minutes, you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.

I'm only supporting the last sentence. But if the sex is bad, then it's bad. Throw in the towel and call it a night . . . or day . . . or whatever.

Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you -- especially if (a) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or (b) you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.

Whatever! LOL!

Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after-sex glow to seek favors or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask: "Do you think I should buy that dress/skirt/sofa/Mercedes/country cottage?"

Now some of you ladies might find No. 17 crude. But I had this happened to me before with a young lady who asked me -- after we had relations -- if I would buy her a new car. I kid you not. Of course, I did. Nah, I'm only kidding. But still, there are some women who make such idiotic requests. I think this is a big no-no. The best sex in the world shouldn't equal to a man paying for a woman's cell phone bill or rent. But some of you brothers out there do it, anyways. You pay her car note, light bill, cable bill, etc. Don't lie!

To read the rest of this rundown, click THIS. (You'll get a couple of laughs.)

In the end, we can all hope that on one starry night, we can experience that hot non-commitment sex that Cos Boogie recently had with her fuck buddy. According to her, it was an unforgettable night of passion. This guy was even good with his hands, too -- like Nikki wants in her man.

Peep a passage:

Last night I don't know how many times he sent me into shivers because he knew where the elusive "g-spot" was (or as he calls it, the "g-money spot"). My face was a collage of confusion and extacy trying to understand how he found something within me that I couldn't even find. Granted, he had a better angle from which to reach it. But yeah, I felt the aftershock of those orgasms almost an hour later. The worst part is that he didn't even have to try very hard. It's like he massaged inside of me, watching my face and the second my eyes popped open and I gasped for air, he knew he'd found what he was looking for.
Damn! Shouldn't we all be this lucky?